I hate the skipped run. When I've gotten into a flow and running schedule, nothing makes me feel less in control than skipping a run. If you'll indulge me in a little amateur cognitive-behavioral therapy, what follows is my thought-emotion process:
Thought: I could have run, but I didn't. I should have pushed myself harder.
Feelings: Shame; disappointment
Thought: If I wasn't able to make myself run today, I might not be able to make myself run tomorrow
Feelings: Fear; anxiety
Thought: Because I didn't run today, I may fall out of the routine. Missing runs makes me forget how good running feels.
Feeling: Fear; sadness
As you can see, there are so many negative feelings involved with skipping a run that one could easily wonder why I allow it to happen. It's probably worth forcing myself to slog through three miles half asleep and risking getting run over by a car just to avoid feeling like the scum of the earth for skipping it.
I was supposed to run yesterday. I was coming off an exhilarating run on Saturday and an increased mileage run on Monday. I had just bought some new shorts at Lulu Lemon that prevent the dreaded ride-up experienced when your body was not made for the thigh-gap. All signs pointed to Wednesday Run. But then I had a 12-hour day on 6 hours of sleep, followed by 2 more hours of work in the evening that kept me up until 11pm. I almost hesitated to type that because I know for every lazy bum like me (read: shame) there is a superhuman who would have run anyway (read: envy). But, ultimately, I was able to be understanding and compassionate enough towards myself to process my skipped run without too much of the negativity outlined above, largely because I told myself I would definitely run today (Thursday).
My initial plan was to wake up early and run, but when I stayed up significantly past my bedtime after an already tiring, sleep-deprived day, I quickly realized that would not happen. So plan B was just run in the afternoon or evening, like I would have yesterday. This is the part where the fear and anxiety kick in, because I wasn't able to make myself do that. I didn't have the same valid reasons I had yesterday. I know I felt exhausted during my last leg of work in the late afternoon, but I didn't feel like I had a good reason to. I had a regular day at work, closer to acceptable amount of sleep for a working adult...so why did I feel like I'd had 3 drinks when I was talking my client through his oral-motor exercises? It didn't help that my stomach was growling due to an inordinately early lunch. I wanted nothing more than to eat and sleep. Recently I had become the master of the 20 minute nap, or so I thought. One meal, half an hour of phone time to allow the food to digest, and what turned out to be an hour-long nap later, it was almost dark outside and I was still groggy. It was a do-or-lament moment- run or skip. I lamented; I skipped it.
Because I am who I am, I spent 20-30 minuted in bed, experiencing the thoughts and feelings mentioned above, as I am prone to do when I feel like I have failed. I've reached a point in my life where I want to feel my feelings- to not try to push away the negative, but experience and explore it, and, for god's sake, not intellectualize it too much. I want to say that allowing myself to experience this allowed me to move from the vague sensation of feeling bad to the identifying the more specific, and troubling, feelings of scared and anxious. My struggles with anxiety have been all too real, and I didn't want running, an activity I resumed to combat anxiety, to be a source of it. Cue the snowball that is anxiety.
I wanted to write about this because I believe that the struggle of using exercise to promote mental health is, as they say, real. For those of us who are not naturally balls of energy, who did not grow up playing sports, who found exercise later in life as a source of meditation, escape, or self-worth, I think that the relationship with exercise is always precarious. I just came off what was essentially a 2 year break from running, and I think that rarely a day went by that I didn't think about it- that I didn't wish I had the wherewithal to just do it, rain or shine, morning or night, like I had done in the past. Talk about anxiety; I was genuinely afraid that I had lost running for the rest of my life. Just a month and a half ago I finally got my act together, laced up my shoes, and hit the pavement, and I kept doing it consistently until today. I'd made a commitment to myself. That commitment was tied to my sense of self-worth. That commitment gave me regular opportunities to meditate. It allowed me to escape from being the couch potato that I still, deep down, see myself as.
Thought: So how dare I break that commitment to myself?
Feeling: Anger
The question is, then, how do you deal with a situation that makes you feel shame, disappointment, fear, anxiety, sadness, and anger? Do you question whether the situation warrants those feelings?
Question: Does skipping one run warrant feeling shameful, disappointed, scared, anxious, sad, and angry?
Answer: No
Where does that get me? I still feel what I feel. But it's not the situation. It's my thoughts. What if these were my thoughts?
Thought: I was so exhausted today, I could barely stay awake.
Feeling: Compassion
Thought: I will run tomorrow.
Feeling: Hope, optimism
Thought: Running makes me feel good
Feelings: Appreciation, anticipation
Wouldn't that be nice? But the issue it comes down to is trust. I don't trust myself when I think those positive thoughts. I don't trust myself that I was really that tired. I don't trust that I will run tomorrow. I don't trust that I will think about how good running feels. Compassion, hope, optimism, appreciation, and anticipation have let me down too many times in my life.
All of this, here, is the struggle of the relationship between exercise and mental health. It's why exercise can't cure mental health issues. Exercise, as an act, doesn't make you trust and love yourself. More accurately, it, along with other acts of self-care, is a reflection of the process of learning to trust and love yourself, and, in that sense, it may be as inconsistent as those feelings are. The complexity of my relationship with running is that is both a cause and effect of my self-worth.
That's a lot of weight to put on my poor legs.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Lazy Saturday for a Lazy Person
I really crave a lazy day. As an introvert, I find being around people a bit tiring. I have my handful of people whose company actually energizes me, but, the students and coworkers I am around on a daily basis are not those people. It's no offense to anyone- it says more about my difficulty finding a genuine, comfortable connection with others than it says about anyone else's character.
Today was a lazy day. I decided it had to be, because tomorrow is Mother's Day, which brings with it a host of family obligations, and, though I love them dearly, I count my family as a group of people whose company I enjoy, but also find exhausting. So, today was couch potato day.
Couch potato day always sounds so nice, in theory. I always picture myself enjoying my cup of coffee, with my dog nestled in my lap and a book in my hand, then setting time aside for a run to segue into a more productive afternoon.
It rarely seems to work out that way, because I am a lazy person. Allow me to define lazy. I do not possess the type of laziness that allows for no productivity. Mine is the kind of laziness that leads to procrastination, which leads to stress and frustration about not being able to complete all of the tasks I wanted to complete, which leads to feeling a bit of resentment about my day.
When I finally got out for my run, it was about 2 pm. That means I spent 5 hours doing pretty much nothing. I was on my phone. I had Friends on in the background. At around 12:30 I peeled myself off the couch to put away and wash some dishes. I never feel good about that kind of day. It doesn't live up to my idyllic expectation of what a lazy day should feel like. The good thing is that, when I get that nagging feeling of general negativity, I now listen to and explore it.
One thing I was reminded of is what a waste of attention and energy phones can be for me. YouTube, Facebook, and Instagram- they're all forums for neglecting my own life to watch others live theirs. When I get out of the daze that being glued to these apps causes, I become aware of exactly what I've done with my time. I see myself as my dog or the fly on the wall sees me, and I don't like it. When I make that realization, it's pretty freakin' easy to put the phone down. Only problem was, by the time I did it today, I already felt pretty drained.
I tried to explore why I felt drained. Was I sleepy? Did I need a nap? Had I sent myself into a mild depression? I tried to grapple with this, but a Season 10 episode of Friends that I have seen quite literally at least 20 times (Part 2 of The One in Barbados, in case anyone was wondering) was blaring in the background. So I did the second best thing so far today, after putting down my phone- I muted the TV (for whatever reason, I always have a hard time completely turning it off- childhood issues). Suddenly, I was able to clearly hear the voice in my head that was telling me that I needed to connect to my body and my surroundings, that hours of TV and phone time had made me completely unaware that I had disconnected. That voice isn't too loud, or obnoxious and, once it said what it needed to say, it stopped, and I was able to appreciate the sounds of the birds chirping, dogs barking, and cars driving past- the sounds of home. Then I was able to feel the softness of the couch under my body, and my dog laying at my feet- the feel of home. Then, I was able to look out the window at the green trees, slightly gray sky, mountains in the distance behind the row of houses and apartments across the street- the sights of home. And then, I was able to just be at home. That's what a lazy day is about.
Next time I have a lazy day- which won't be too far off, as this introvert needs lots of them- there will be some TV and phone time, but not before some time for reading, meditation, and exercise. Re-energizing, as it turns out, is much less about disconnecting and much more about just connecting.
Today was a lazy day. I decided it had to be, because tomorrow is Mother's Day, which brings with it a host of family obligations, and, though I love them dearly, I count my family as a group of people whose company I enjoy, but also find exhausting. So, today was couch potato day.
Couch potato day always sounds so nice, in theory. I always picture myself enjoying my cup of coffee, with my dog nestled in my lap and a book in my hand, then setting time aside for a run to segue into a more productive afternoon.
It rarely seems to work out that way, because I am a lazy person. Allow me to define lazy. I do not possess the type of laziness that allows for no productivity. Mine is the kind of laziness that leads to procrastination, which leads to stress and frustration about not being able to complete all of the tasks I wanted to complete, which leads to feeling a bit of resentment about my day.
When I finally got out for my run, it was about 2 pm. That means I spent 5 hours doing pretty much nothing. I was on my phone. I had Friends on in the background. At around 12:30 I peeled myself off the couch to put away and wash some dishes. I never feel good about that kind of day. It doesn't live up to my idyllic expectation of what a lazy day should feel like. The good thing is that, when I get that nagging feeling of general negativity, I now listen to and explore it.
One thing I was reminded of is what a waste of attention and energy phones can be for me. YouTube, Facebook, and Instagram- they're all forums for neglecting my own life to watch others live theirs. When I get out of the daze that being glued to these apps causes, I become aware of exactly what I've done with my time. I see myself as my dog or the fly on the wall sees me, and I don't like it. When I make that realization, it's pretty freakin' easy to put the phone down. Only problem was, by the time I did it today, I already felt pretty drained.
I tried to explore why I felt drained. Was I sleepy? Did I need a nap? Had I sent myself into a mild depression? I tried to grapple with this, but a Season 10 episode of Friends that I have seen quite literally at least 20 times (Part 2 of The One in Barbados, in case anyone was wondering) was blaring in the background. So I did the second best thing so far today, after putting down my phone- I muted the TV (for whatever reason, I always have a hard time completely turning it off- childhood issues). Suddenly, I was able to clearly hear the voice in my head that was telling me that I needed to connect to my body and my surroundings, that hours of TV and phone time had made me completely unaware that I had disconnected. That voice isn't too loud, or obnoxious and, once it said what it needed to say, it stopped, and I was able to appreciate the sounds of the birds chirping, dogs barking, and cars driving past- the sounds of home. Then I was able to feel the softness of the couch under my body, and my dog laying at my feet- the feel of home. Then, I was able to look out the window at the green trees, slightly gray sky, mountains in the distance behind the row of houses and apartments across the street- the sights of home. And then, I was able to just be at home. That's what a lazy day is about.
Next time I have a lazy day- which won't be too far off, as this introvert needs lots of them- there will be some TV and phone time, but not before some time for reading, meditation, and exercise. Re-energizing, as it turns out, is much less about disconnecting and much more about just connecting.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Challenge Accepted- April 2016
It's been a while. Not to state the obvious or anything. My last post was over 2 years ago. Why? Because when you're not living up to the title of your blog, you kinda feel like a fraud posting on it.
I may be treating myself a bit harshly. It's not like I haven't been doing anything productive for the past 2 years. I finished graduate school. Got a master's degree. That's cool. I started working full-time for the first time in almost 4 years. And, importantly, was reminded what an energy-sucking ordeal working 40 hours a week is.
Of course, it's not actually all bad. Working full time has allowed us to move to a home and a location that we much prefer over where we previously lived. I'm getting to make a decent living doing something that I (mostly) like, so that's a fortunate situation. I'm also commuting an hour to and from work, which, for the past 2 years, has made my health take a seat in the back...way back.
After my last half marathon in May 2014, I pretty much stopped running. I had already pretty stopped paying attention to what I ate, using my "extensive" running as an excuse, despite the fact that I did virtually no training for the last half marathon. Again, I am being pretty hard on myself. I was in the middle of comprehensive exams and the fact that I had the mental energy (if not the best level of fitness) to complete a third half marathon still astounds me to this day.
Adjusting to working full time and commuting was hard. Sometimes it felt unfair. Unfair that I had to commit so much of my time to something so external, to making a living, to giving myself to others. More unfair that that the time and energy spent on that left me too drained to even think about health and fitness, let alone take any action. Thanks goodness I have friends who are mature enough to maintain these interests while living actual adult lives- they kept me in the game, if only minimally. A short run here, a hike or bike ride there. But the part that I had to take charge of, the part that required dedication and consistency, just wasn't coming.
I don't know what exactly hit me the first weekend of April. I can't romanticize it; it wasn't a bolt of lightning, an angel's whisper, or any kind of tragedy. I had recently recovered from a bad 6 month bout with anxiety (which maybe I will go into later) and just realized that nothing was stopping me. I was spending 2 hours a night on my phone and watching TV. Perhaps I can attribute it to a recent attempt to live more mindfully that I realized that some of that time could be used more wisely. And I was missing running. I always miss running. There have been times when I already ran that day and I see someone running and wish that I were him or her. Anyone who runs knows the euphoria that you feel when you're done; anyone who uses running as self-medication for anxiety knows that it is the ultimate meditative, mind-body connecting exercise.
So, I decided to go for it, and I did. I decided I was going to run 4 times a week again, and build up my endurance. I faced obstacles. I caught a cold the second week in, which I am still battling. I went to Vegas the third week, which, as you can imagine, presented quite the challenge to a running schedule that included runs on Fridays and Saturdays. Being a perfectionist, I wish I could say that I ran four times all four weeks. I didn't. But I always ran at least 3, and the weeks I didn't run 4 weren't simply because I didn't feel like it, but because the level of impracticality of running seemed to exceed the potential benefit. Had I been training for a race, it might have been different. I did have the luxury to cut myself a little slack.
Another small challenge I completed was giving up sweets. In recent months, I had found myself gravitating towards them on a daily basis. I've had friends somewhat incredulously ask me "Really? Everyday?" Yes, my non-sugar addicted friends, everyday. Multiple times a day. I believed it was becoming an addiction and it needed to stop yesterday. With that challenge, I was incredibly successful. Don't know why it was so easy. Maybe I used the word "addict" too loosely.
Now, here I am, on the first day of May. I continue to feel motivated to run, and have decided to add the challenge of eating clean and reducing portions this month. With me, the caveat when it comes to food is always weekends. Weekends are a social time and, for me, enjoying food is a social activity, and I can't restrict such an important source of happiness from my life. But on the day to day, when food is fuel to get through work and running, using food for happiness is dangerous. So, this month, I will have to look inside and outside myself to find other sources of joy in my daily life. When I think about the life I am lucky enough to lead, I realize that it shouldn't be hard.
The final missing piece, of course, is writing. This blog has been such a source of introspection and reflection for me, so, while I can't commit since I'll already have my emotional plate full with portion control (reverse pun so intended), I hope that I will be able to jump on here more often to document this whole journey. The title of my blog came from the realization that I am never going to be perfect, I am never going to achieve everything that I seek, and that everyday is an opportunity just treat myself well and experience the emotions that make life worth living.
Thanks for reading,
Melissa
I may be treating myself a bit harshly. It's not like I haven't been doing anything productive for the past 2 years. I finished graduate school. Got a master's degree. That's cool. I started working full-time for the first time in almost 4 years. And, importantly, was reminded what an energy-sucking ordeal working 40 hours a week is.
Of course, it's not actually all bad. Working full time has allowed us to move to a home and a location that we much prefer over where we previously lived. I'm getting to make a decent living doing something that I (mostly) like, so that's a fortunate situation. I'm also commuting an hour to and from work, which, for the past 2 years, has made my health take a seat in the back...way back.
After my last half marathon in May 2014, I pretty much stopped running. I had already pretty stopped paying attention to what I ate, using my "extensive" running as an excuse, despite the fact that I did virtually no training for the last half marathon. Again, I am being pretty hard on myself. I was in the middle of comprehensive exams and the fact that I had the mental energy (if not the best level of fitness) to complete a third half marathon still astounds me to this day.
Adjusting to working full time and commuting was hard. Sometimes it felt unfair. Unfair that I had to commit so much of my time to something so external, to making a living, to giving myself to others. More unfair that that the time and energy spent on that left me too drained to even think about health and fitness, let alone take any action. Thanks goodness I have friends who are mature enough to maintain these interests while living actual adult lives- they kept me in the game, if only minimally. A short run here, a hike or bike ride there. But the part that I had to take charge of, the part that required dedication and consistency, just wasn't coming.
I don't know what exactly hit me the first weekend of April. I can't romanticize it; it wasn't a bolt of lightning, an angel's whisper, or any kind of tragedy. I had recently recovered from a bad 6 month bout with anxiety (which maybe I will go into later) and just realized that nothing was stopping me. I was spending 2 hours a night on my phone and watching TV. Perhaps I can attribute it to a recent attempt to live more mindfully that I realized that some of that time could be used more wisely. And I was missing running. I always miss running. There have been times when I already ran that day and I see someone running and wish that I were him or her. Anyone who runs knows the euphoria that you feel when you're done; anyone who uses running as self-medication for anxiety knows that it is the ultimate meditative, mind-body connecting exercise.
So, I decided to go for it, and I did. I decided I was going to run 4 times a week again, and build up my endurance. I faced obstacles. I caught a cold the second week in, which I am still battling. I went to Vegas the third week, which, as you can imagine, presented quite the challenge to a running schedule that included runs on Fridays and Saturdays. Being a perfectionist, I wish I could say that I ran four times all four weeks. I didn't. But I always ran at least 3, and the weeks I didn't run 4 weren't simply because I didn't feel like it, but because the level of impracticality of running seemed to exceed the potential benefit. Had I been training for a race, it might have been different. I did have the luxury to cut myself a little slack.
Another small challenge I completed was giving up sweets. In recent months, I had found myself gravitating towards them on a daily basis. I've had friends somewhat incredulously ask me "Really? Everyday?" Yes, my non-sugar addicted friends, everyday. Multiple times a day. I believed it was becoming an addiction and it needed to stop yesterday. With that challenge, I was incredibly successful. Don't know why it was so easy. Maybe I used the word "addict" too loosely.
Now, here I am, on the first day of May. I continue to feel motivated to run, and have decided to add the challenge of eating clean and reducing portions this month. With me, the caveat when it comes to food is always weekends. Weekends are a social time and, for me, enjoying food is a social activity, and I can't restrict such an important source of happiness from my life. But on the day to day, when food is fuel to get through work and running, using food for happiness is dangerous. So, this month, I will have to look inside and outside myself to find other sources of joy in my daily life. When I think about the life I am lucky enough to lead, I realize that it shouldn't be hard.
The final missing piece, of course, is writing. This blog has been such a source of introspection and reflection for me, so, while I can't commit since I'll already have my emotional plate full with portion control (reverse pun so intended), I hope that I will be able to jump on here more often to document this whole journey. The title of my blog came from the realization that I am never going to be perfect, I am never going to achieve everything that I seek, and that everyday is an opportunity just treat myself well and experience the emotions that make life worth living.
Thanks for reading,
Melissa
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